Is it ok to not be ok and my feelings to be big and messy, to rise up and disperse in an unpredictable confusing wave never quite knowing whether Im at the crest or tumbling into the foam?
Is it ok for numb and raw to coexist?
Is it ok for eye contact to almost hurt today, I don’t need it, I don’t want it, I don’t even want to try and have to read it, to have to read someones response, their thoughts or judgements, the interaction or the response from another… unless you are my family, today, there is no space for your input into my day or headspace… in anyway
Is it ok to feel angry? Well at least I think it’s anger. This undeniable, unidentifiable force of prickliness, resistance to slow down running alongside an expectation that I should be ok already, in a pre-agreed socially acceptable countdown of days. I’m on day 3, do I at least have the week? Do I not? Who decides this? Can I respond to small talk “how are you?” with “I watched my Nonna leave her body on Tuesday so Im feeling a little frazzled… you?”
Is it ok to need more time than someone else?
This feels ok to me, but maybe not to them. Or maybe yes absolutely fine to them. Are they relieved to hear it? Do they wish they had shared their loss when someone, anyone asked? I suppose what Im interested in is, can I lean into this? Can I be open about this ‘leaning in’ and be respected in my choice? It isn’t to stew in or drag out or milk this. There is an honouring at place here. An honouring of love and time and opportunity to feel it all fully and freely.
Perhaps I also want to tell them at the school gate to soften the judgement that comes when you turn up looking tired, puffy, acne covered, non-make up wearing, struggling to be friendly - me.
Is it ok that despite theoretically I understand the passing of life, the tiring of the body and the power of deep love… that in this very moment the meeting of this intensity, crescendo and vastness of death, against the complete anticlimactic ‘body in a bag’, ‘life goes on’ flatness, against brightness and relief that ongoing struggle is over… all of this, jumbled together… these concepts are rumbling my roots, my foundations in a big way today.
Is it ok that Im still wearing her cardigan that smells like her and her faded Chanel No5 - it has her name tag ironed in the seam, and it feels comforting to wrap myself up and feel cosy, just like it did her 99 year old body just a week ago.
Is it ok to find comfort in the synchronicity of her passing and within hours I entered my menstrual winter. As I bled I felt this incredible relief, as if it was taking me by the hand, giving permission to close the curtains, invite the tears, it holds a space for rest and settling in.
Is it ok that we felt relief when the final breath was taken? The body could rest and she could finally be released from it.
Is it ok that I have no idea what I believe about death and beyond yet, and so had no answers for my daughter when I told her that Nonna was no longer with us
Is she gone? Is she in some after life? Is she moving into a new one? I have absolutely no idea…
And when she told me not to worry “Nonna is up in the sky and has turned into a tooth fairy” stunned all I could say was “I did not know this happened, thanks Ula” and kissed her, and off she skipped into the other room.
I had prepared for her tears and confusion, but instead, I felt confused.
I know she does sense this enormity and has been so tender to me, and the questions that dot about the day “Were Nonna’s eyes closed when she died?” “Was she sad when she died?” are sign that she is navigating this in her 4 year old way.
Is my unknowing, but my curiosity and inquiry into this more important than having a clear belief and answer?
The journey of this inquiry shines more light on the way I wish to grow, the way I want to live, the way I want to feel - more than any answer I might come to.
So yes… it is ok. This stream of thought, this discomfort,…this big, sticky, rightful, pride of place, honourable, beautiful, human feeling.
Of course it is ok
Of course they are ok.
Of course this is all ok.
Of course I am ok to be with, tangled up in, clumsily wading through, exploring, leaning into THIS. This sense that much could be learned here. This sense that truly feeling this deeply, viscerally, there is an opportunity to grow and soften here. That every ounce of feeling and sensation is to be honoured in her honour.
For me, this is vast, important unchartered territory but also sweet, bright window into how far I have come… because it was not long ago when not being ok, was not ok. That I wouldn’t even pose these questions. That being ok was the only way.
In memory of Nonna…Gabriella Bianca Fortunata Benvenuta Sylvia Ida Philomena Flavia (Mataloni) Rzysko